"Well...he is a little hack'n'slash-happy..."
[f, 21, dating]
"She likes big glowing swords a lot."
[m, 20, dating]
Basics
How long have you been playing together?
Was the game purchased to be played together?
How often are you grouped?
In Their Own Words
About 24.3% (N=1094) of EQ players play the game
with a romantic partner. There is a significant gender difference.
69.5% of female players play the game with a romantic partner, while
only 16.4% of male players do (p<.001). Of those EQ players who
play the game with a romantic partner, about 43.8% (N=160) are dating.
38.1% are married, 14.4% are engaged, while 3.8% are lifetime partners.
The majority of EQ players who game with a romantic
partner have been playing together for 5-10 months (N=160).
Of those EQ players who game with a romantic partner,
about one-third (33.8%, N=160) purchased the game specifically as
something they could do together.
Of those EQ players who game with a romantic partner,
about a third (35%, N=160) say they almost always are grouped with
their partner. Another 20% say that they are often grouped. Only
11.3% say that they are almost never grouped with their romantic
partner.
Oftentimes, one of the pair grew interested in the
game from watching the other play:
She became an Evercrack addict from watching me
play [m, 29, engaged]
I had been playing EQ before, and I encouraged
her to start. (She's since levelled past me, the Ingrate! hehe)
We're separated geographically, so we can't play side by side.
[m, 34, dating]
He brought home the game and played about a week
while I made fun of it. He started telling me about the people
he had met and it got me interested. I started playing soon there
after.. [f, 25, engaged]
I bought EQ as a present for my fiance, he didn't
install the game for weeks after I bought it for him, so one day
I installed it and started playing. Next thing you know I'm going
into the other room going "honey, help me......". Then
we started playing a character together one doing mouse controls
and the other the keyboard. Finally we had to buy a second copy
so we both could play. [f, 27, engaged]
Sometimes, it was through some devious planning
or back-fires:
I intially started playing because i was trying
to prove a point how dreadful it was to sit and watch someone
play a game for hours at a time .. then i was hooked and we decided
together to both start playing together .. we started new characters
in the same starting spots and played .. we do not play side by
side [f, 24, dating]
My boyfriend got me addicted to it on purpose...he
even upgraded my computer so that I could play with him. He figured
I would like it, because of my previous RPG stuff as a teen. We
currently have 4 duos, created specifically as partners. [f, 30,
dating]
In fact, it can happen the other way around as well,
with the relationship beginning in EQ instead of real-life:
Actually we met in EQ in January, she was a level
22 ranger and I was a level 19 ranger. She powerlevelled me on
aviak guards in Lake Rathe. We weren't actually boyfriend/girlfriend
until this summer, and met in real life in August ;) [m, 20, dating]
It happened quite as chance, we happened just
to see each other near the POD lift in Gfay, and started talking..
eventually things became more involved... [m, 18, dating]
Some gamers claimed that playing together was so
enjoyable that they would not play without their partner:
I wouldnt play without her. Having the bond she
and I share and having it come from a video game somewhat ties
us to the game itself, sort of like it is a substitute for "our
song". [m, 20, dating]
I also found that I didn't really feel like playing
unless she was there, it just wasn't the same. [m, 21, dating]
As much as I love the game I could not imagine
playing without him now. [f, 35, dating]
Others suggested that playing together enhanced
game-play:
EQ is a lot more fun with someone you can speak
to in the room. I have fun messing with my grilfriend in the game.
In a full group I sometimes give indications to what she's doing
before she gets a chance to (i.e. I'll say, "inc" when
she's pulling mobs. Its also nice to be able to look at another
monitor and get another view of the world. [m, 26, dating]
it most definitely enhances the enjoyment. we
are able to use our characters to be a bit more "open"
to one another in the company of others and gain reactions that
may otherwise be looked at as inappropraite in public places.
this falls along the lines of a fantasy cyber-date where you can
step out of one role and into another. [m, 29, dating]
Many gamers however, talked about the tensions playing
together would create, and how playing together could actually make
game-play difficult:
Sometimes it's great... he's protective over me
and looks after me online. Often he'll sacrifice his character's
life for mine so that I will be safe, not lose experience, etc.
When we're having a good time, obviously, it's great. There are
times though, that it's miserable. He can get VERY jealous over
who my characters talk to and heaven forbid some compliment me.
It's tidious sometimes and it makes me wish we didn't play together.
[f, 20, engaged]
I can't stand to watch her play. I want her to
do things my way and she does them her way and we just clash when
we play together. [m, 25, engaged]
However, our styles are totally different. For
instance, I will rather play in a group just for company, even
if the exp gain is minimal, whereas my partner tends to literally
AVOID other players. I am often a pushy roleplayer, forcing others
to RP or get out of my face. Thus I am unafraid of starting an
argument, whether in /say, /tell or even /shout. This seems to
make my partner very uncomfortable. For these reasons, if we are
playing together we try very hard to compromise. However, I insist
on having 'solo' characters that I only play on my own. I tend
to find his gaming style restrictive. [f, 23, engaged]
My characters are flirtatious.. I am more outgoing
and sexual online; it's just a function of not being face to face
with people. He had to deal with jealousy problems from the attention
I receive, and I had to learn that I can't act how I usually do.
We hardly play at all anymore, and it's really helped our relationship.
[f, 19, dating]
When asked whether they had learned anything about
their partner because of playing together in EQ, most respondents
thought that EQ highlighted the best and worst in their partners:
I learned that he really does nothing without
a purpose, even in playing a game. He's extremely goal-oriented
- likes to see that gold experience bar move, where I'm not quite
as experience obsessed as he is. [f, 25, engaged]
Well....I see her best and worst traits in the
game. She has a terrible temper that comes out in the game at
times. [m, 30, dating]
I realized, in game and in RL, just how nice,
fair minded, and honorable he is. [f, 30, dating]
Not really but everything comes out of the woodwork
if you will. What I mean by this is, take the following instance
as an example. My g/f is scared of trying new things and when
she does it takes her a while to warm up to whatever she's doing.
This REALLY shows itself in the game as her not wanting to attack
anything she's not comfortable with. I'm not talking about a normal
situation where the mob would con red/yellow/white to you but
I'm talking about because that mob "LOOKS" bad (even
if it's green or blue) she will not go near it. Frustrating but
that's not the point ... the point is that the fear of things
new comes out in the game and you can really see it more clearly
in the game than in RL (I mean how many Orc Centurions do you
know that are running around in RL?). [m, 24, dating]
No. We know each other well IRL. The only thing
that EQ has done is affirmed my feelings about my wife's personality,
intellect, basic kindness and rationality etc. [m, 54, married]
Sometimes, respondents reflected on how playing
together highlighted their individual differences:
I was not aware how shy he is of speaking out
'in public' (in EQ, this translates into /shout or /ooc, of course).
He will often scorn me for getting involved into a public channel
discussion or try and stop me. [f, 23, engaged]
Yeah, he's a real risk-taker in the game, much
more so than in actual life. I'm the opposite. Also, he starts
conversations with others much more easily than in EQ than in
RL. Again, I'm the opposite. [f, 37, dating]
Not really. It did further emphasize that she
is a much more socialable person than am I, as she tends to make
more friends in the game than I do, but I was pretty much aware
of that beforehand. [m, 30, married]
I'm not sure. That's really a tough question.
I would say rather than having learned something new about him,
it was more like it emphasied differences between us that I already
knew about. He is very patient, I am very impulsive, etc. And
these differences are a lot more apparent in a game situation.
[f, 27, dating]
Gamers sometimes commented indirectly on how differently
men and women approach the game itself:
He is really turned on by the power and prestige
aspects of the game, whereas I use it as an extended chatroom.
So we had some conflict over me getting twinked out purely because
I was a real woman. (His main is a female, which was also something
new. I didn't appreciate not being able to be his girlfriend in
game to, or that in order to be so I would have to become a lesbian.
I also had to accept that his playing female characters was a
roleplaying decision, and I still think that it is a little strange.)
[f, 19, dating]
I didn't realize quite how obsessive he was. .
.I try to moderate my EQ time, I don't like to play more than
a few hours a day, and when I go on raids or spend 8+ hourse playing,
I nearly never play the next day. My husband's played for 30+
hours straight. [f, 22, married]
However, our styles are totally different. For
instance, I will rather play in a group just for company, even
if the exp gain is minimal, whereas my partner tends to literally
AVOID other players. [f, 23, engaged]
Several female respondents commented on the over-protectiveness
of their partners:
Oh yes, One of the main reasons i have begun to
lose interest in him, was from the way he would always take kills
from me, and shielding me so as to keep me safe... Well With him
being a wizard and me a cleric, we all know i can whoop his butt
:) So knowing this i observed when we hung out in real life next,
and sure enough he is Way too overprotective and jealous. I never
noticed it until the game tho. [f, 24, dating]
Respondents had very varied feelings as to whether
EQ had enhanced or damaged their relationships. Some felt that EQ
had taken over their relationship:
Damaged. We spend too much time back to back at
our computers typing away and sharing time and experiences with
our friends in Norrath. And because EQ is so demanding of time
in order to keep up with those friends, each of us has dedicated
literally MONTHS of time to a rediculous game that neither of
us will stop playing right now but both wish we would. [f, 23,
married]
Well, I think we sometimes play EQ instead of
being close to one another physically (not necessarily intimate,
but that too). I don't think that's good. [m, 30, married]
When you stick two people in a room who are complete
addicts to this game...let's just say that neither of us has the
will to function in RL anymore, and neither of us is strong enough
to attempt to end the addiction for both of us. Our addiction
feeds on us, we feed on it and we feed on each other's. [f, 24,
dating]
Both. We have common ground, as mentioned above,
but she likes the game too much. She plays it too much! We don't
do anything else, it seems. When we go out, she gets bored and
says how she would rather be playing EQ. Our social life has dropped
significantly. [m, 30, dating]
On the other hand, other gamers talked about how
EQ made it easier for them to resolve real-life communication issues,
and enhanced the relationship:
I think it has enhanced the relationship. He and
I both tend to hold in emotions and thoughts, but when we are
in game we can comfortably let the other know thru emotes and
such. [f, 28, engaged]
If anything it has enhanced the relationship.
Before we had problems with communication. Through Everquest we
have learned to communicate or suffer the consequences, which
are quite "visible" where as not communicating with
my partner caused unseen damages. [m, 17, dating]
It's meant we can explore changing roles (for
example my being group leader, whereas in our day-to-day lives
he is more often in charge of the people around us (his employees)
than I am) and also given us something fun to do together. [f,
32, dating]
Our relationship has definately been enhanced.
We're better now at working together towards goals. And we both
really enjoy growing, learning and adventuring together. It's
exciting to be involved in each other's triumphs. And it feels
good to help each other (sometimes it seems like a race to see
which one of us can save the other). [f, 29, married]
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