The "Impossible" Romance

What it means to fall in love in an MMO

In the past, I've presented some stats on the romantic relationships that form online as well as some thoughts on how the social architectures of MMO environments may encourage relationship formation. In a recent survey, I was interested in exploring the formation of romantic relationships from the perspective of players who have physically dated someone they first met online. In particular, I wanted to get a better understanding of how the formation and development of these online relationships differed from ones these players have had that started face-to-face (F2F). Their narratives help illustrate that these online romances have their own set of constraints and affordances and are not simply inferior or superficial versions of F2F relationships.

I received 115 responses to an open-ended survey targeting players who have physically dated someone they first met in an MMO. The majority of these relationships were still ongoing when the survey was conducted (67%). Of course, there is likely a sampling bias here of players who have had positive and ongoing relationships in the sample. On the other hand, I was less interested here in getting representative stats, and more interested in a qualitative understanding of the issue. Nevertheless, it is important to point out this sampling bias so readers are aware that even though a lot of important information can be gleaned from the narratives that follow, these narratives are probably more positive in tone due to an under-sampling of failed relationships.

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Brief Sketches of Love

First Contact

Let's start by going over some representative sketches of the formative period of these online romances. These sketches will help ground us before we talk more conceptually about these relationships. Most players describe fairly commonplace and low-key situations for how they first met their romantic partner.

In many circumstances, both players belonged to the same guild and the guild played an important role in the initial meeting and providing sustained contact.

Incubation Period

An incubation period then typically follows where the casual relationship evolves very gradually over a period of typically 3 months to 12 months.

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Moment of Truth

These developing emotions then come to a point where the players decide to express their romantic feelings to each other. Most players had fairly detailed descriptions of this part of their relationship.

Cascade of Communication Mediums

This early period in the relationship is often supported by increasingly synchronous and intimate forms of communication (i.e., phone or webcam). The relationship starts to progress via other communication mediums. In other words, most players don't jump from avatar to F2F directly as assumed by some media reports that try to paint these relationships as largely based on fantasy.

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Meeting F2F

These romantic partners were almost always separated by great geographic distances. In fact, in all the 115 responses, no pair of romantic partners were living in the same state. In many cases, romantic partners lived in different countries. Meeting F2F was thus a multi-layered problem for many of these couples. It was likely to have been a significant emotional, time, and financial investment.

Many players expressed great anxiety and fear as they step foot off the plane or train and were about to see their romantic partner F2F for the first time. The word "intense" was used very often in this section of the open-ended responses.

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Ever After

There were many happy endings from the responses. Many of the couples had relocated to be together geographically, and many indicated plans for marriage or children.

But there were also stories that didn't have happy endings. Among the relationships that ended soon after the F2F meeting, some cited the geographic distance as the primary problem, while others cited problems with "chemistry", and a few described gradual conflicts or personality differences similar to ones that would terminate F2F relationships.

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Low Pressure Environment

Let's now talk more conceptually about these romantic relationships and the unique constraints and affordances of MMO environments. While it's easy to compare this aspect of MMOs to a dating website or a romance chat room, these analogies are in fact inaccurate and frame these relationships incorrectly. First of all, none of the respondents described themselves as deliberately looking for love when they met their romantic partner. In fact, they often described the opposite.

The more apt analogy is probably the gym or the office - places where romance is not the primary goal for social interaction. This is an important distinction to make because people interact very differently when under and not under the pretense of a date. In other words, the formative and incubation period of these online relationships typically occur without this additional emotional pressure.

More importantly, the game environment provides a variety of collaborative tasks that allow players to get to know each other. In fact, players are forced to communicate with each other.

As other players point out, working together through crises reveals much more about another person than going to the movies with them. Watching how someone interacts with others in different social settings (under different amounts of stress) and how they work through problems can be very character-revealing.

In other words, many of these players got to know each other without the intent of trying to impress, date, or get in bed with each other.

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Anonymity and Honesty

The notion of anonymity intersects with relationship formation in many different ways. Let's walk through several of these. We've seen that most of these players were not specifically looking for romance online when they met their romantic partner. We've also noted that they typically live great distances from each other. Because players assume that they are talking to someone they will never meet F2F, the initial formative period can encourage honesty. After all, there is little incentive to lie to someone you don't know and assume will never meet.

Others commented that it's easier to get to know someone precisely because of the anonymity - people are more open with each other.

Honesty was in fact an issue that many respondents brought up themselves. These players typically suggested extreme caution about taking what people say at face value. Nevertheless, when they then described their own experiences, most players noted the complete honesty that they and their partners exhibited prior to meeting F2F.

Another potential buffer to deception is the presence of other communication modalities that we mentioned earlier. It's much harder to lie to someone about physical appearances when they can see you on a webcam.

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Masks and Superficiality

Superficiality was another issue that many players dealt with in their narratives. One argument was that players necessarily embellish themselves online and thus online identities are typically superficial.

Others countered that people are superficial in real life as well, and in fact, many common tools of self-embellishment in the physical world do not exist in virtual worlds.

Another line of counter-argument noted that physical appearances are deemphasized online, leading to a stronger concentration on internal qualities - such as personality and intelligence. These players question why emphasis on physical appearances in F2F relationships is considered normal while emphasis on internal qualities in online relationships is instead considered superficial.

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Creating Possibilities: Part One

One statistic was the most surprising from the narratives. Of all the respondents who were still in the relationship that began in an MMO, 60% of them indicated that they didn't think the relationship would have happened in a F2F context, even had they met. Another 18% were not sure. Only 22% were somewhat certain that the relationship would have happened F2F. Thus, one very intriguing theme that emerged in the narratives was the notion that these virtual worlds had made it possible for otherwise "impossible relationships" to happen. By this, some referred back to the geographic separation, but many respondents suggested that their relationship would not have occurred F2F even if they had met each other. Respondents described two kinds of "impossible relationships" that were made possible by virtual worlds.

The first kind of "impossible relationship" revolves around shyness. As I read through the narratives, it surprised me how often respondents described, without any prompting from the questions, either their own shyness or their partner's shyness.

About 25% of all respondents mentioned shyness somewhere in their narratives, either in describing themselves, their romantic partners, or both. Of course, it's not clear whether this percentage is higher or lower than online gamers, video gamers, or the population in general. On the other hand, it makes it easy to understand why a non-trivial number of respondents felt that their shyness or their partner's shyness would have prevented the relationship from ever happening even had they met in real life.

These narratives show that virtual worlds can enable the formation of relationships that would otherwise have been considered impossible F2F, even though the two people are actually highly compatible and can develop a significant romantic bond. The confidence that people can acquire online due to anonymity, something that has been critiqued as leading to superficiality, can in fact have very real and positive consequences for some people.

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Creating Possibilities: Part Two

There was another kind of "impossible relationship" that was made possible in virtual worlds. As we saw earlier, many respondents felt that the virtual environment deemphasized external qualities (such as physical appearance) and made it easier to get a sense of another person's internal qualities (such as personality and intelligence).

Some respondents described this as getting to know someone from the inside out - a reversal of how things typically progress in relationships that start F2F.

In fact, this process of "inside-out" made possible many relationships that would never have started if they began "outside-in". Many respondents suggested that they would never have given their partners the chance to learn about the inner qualities that they now love them for had they met F2F.

It is ironic that the norm of F2F relationships makes it easy for some to argue that virtual relationships are necessarily superficial. But as these narratives show, the absence of physical cues can in fact make relationships less focused on superficial qualities between people who are in fact highly compatible.

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Ending Thoughts - Stronger Foundations

Not only do virtual worlds make "impossible relationships" possible, but many respondents argued that the process itself provides much stronger foundations for a long-term relationship than is typical in F2F relationships.

The theme that the low-pressure game environment allowed them to become good friends before romantic partners was described by many other respondents. These players had gotten to know each other well, worked together, and gone through crises together before love happened.

It's easy to argue that MMO relationships are somehow superficial because they are "missing" things that people have in F2F relationships, but I think that argument fails to understand that sometimes less can be more, and that there can be something superficial about the emphasis on physical attributes in F2F relationships. The notion that the MMO can render the "impossible relationship" possible is intriguing indeed. But ultimately, the most interesting thing that we've learned from the narratives is this. The MMO relationship isn't something you can look for. It's something that happens to you.